i am really quite stressed out.
from everything.
i freaked my parents out.
they know i cry when im angry or sad
but i think they felt what i felt today when they saw my tears.
they know i wasn't just whining or being a cry baby.
they know i feel helpless.
my dad grilled me the whole of this morning.
and i didn't give him an easy time too.
money is a big issue to me now.
i don't know why i allow it to screw up everything.
and then after the grilling he starts his doting.
my dad.. i don't know what to say about him.
but i know he is the only one man that i know for sure
that loves me with all his heart.
when i sum up everything that seems like a problem to me
i get this headache and i just want to break down and cry.
and today at the office, i just lost it.
and when i remind myself that i have to face all of this shit alone,
(sooner or later, because everyone grows up)
i cried harder.
nobody knows what im going through.
sometimes, i don't even know if i should be so melancholic.
i know i should count myself lucky,
but sometimes, ijust feel so jaded that iwant to give up on everything.
and it appears all worse when you are forced to rely on yourself,
when all your life you have had people to fall back on.
everytime i feel like im hitting the point of insanity,
i remind myself that im the one who chooses whether i lose it, or not.
external factors are an influence, but i can fight against them.
but sometimes, like i said.. it is just so tiring.
i still long for that one day
when a man would not just pass me by,
but would stop, take me away from all of this, and tell me..
.. that everything's gonna be alright
10:40 PM
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